The one area that freaked me out the most concerned the needle options: intravenous, a PICC line or a port. I will definitely ask for a port (that's a type of wine, right?) and hopefully that will be available to me. After seeing the scarring and hearing about the pain and discomfort of the other two ways of receiving chemotherapy, I definitely hope for a port. I thought it was so important to conquer my fear of heights last year so I could attempt the fun stuff I always wanted to do: hike to great heights, zipline, bungee jump, parachute out of a plane or even climb a stepladder without crying and wetting my pants. That's a story for a different day. Turns out I should have worked on my fear of needles, although I'm not too sure how that's possible, with perhaps the exception of permanently tattooing my body or becoming a drug addict.
I've never worried much about losing my hair. Except for the practical side of life, that it will be winter and my head will get cold, I've not given wigs or toques much thought. Instead, I plan to proudly display a henna tattoo on my head. At least that kind of tattoo doesn't involve needles. I've heard not everyone loses their hair, and a lot of my friends are hoping that doesn't happen for me so they don't have to be peer-pressured into following suit. I figure since I got them to show me their breasts, I can talk them into just about anything "for support". Well, except for TeeTee. She's gone pink and vowed that's all she'll do. She's made it very clear how much she loves me but apparently not enough to shave her head.
Shaunna also shared about how my skin's texture might change and that there's a program to help with that. I can definitely handle the pampering. She then went on to talk about checking my temperature all the time because my immune system will be so weak and I may get infections easily. That requires immediately going to the hospital. She spoke of crawling on the floor on all fours from the pain from her nerves. Freaky for sure. Then there's all the medications. It's all so mind-numbing really. She and I seem quite alike in our thinking. Neither of us even takes Tylenol so the whole drug thing is pretty foreign to us but it's just something that's necessary. We have both apologized to our friends and family for getting sick and disrupting their lives. We both feel guilty when we have to change or cancel plans because we're just not feeling up to it. We both freak out at throwing up. We both lead active lifestyles and are pretty ticked off when we can't exercise as much or in the manner we'd like. I think this positive and somewhat stubborn outlook will fare us both well through our battle.
Heather and TeeTee are very much alike in the way they support us. They both said they get upset when we apologize or feel bad for anything. They both just want to cry at the thought of us going through this, TeeTee saying, "Karen's already gone through so much." I keep reminding myself that we all have stuff in our lives and it's the way we choose to handle that stuff that matters. I choose to continue to live each day, positive in the knowledge that everything will work out the way it's supposed to, whether it's in my fight against this critical illness or whether it's in the saddest parts of my personal life. It's just one foot in front of the other, one day at a time and always with a smile on my face and a kind word for others. Sure, I have my dark moments like everyone else, but I just don't let those moments take over. I know that everything happens for a reason and there is a path we are all meant to follow. Instead of wallowing in self-pity or being sad and depressed, I choose to realize everyone has battles they're fighting and that mine aren't any less or any more important than theirs. I find that supporting others, whether volunteering, fundraising or just listening, actually is the best therapy.
Some days, it's all just so overwhelming and that's when even breathing becomes a conscious decision. I never thought I could get stressed over the smallest things but I guess that's part of coping with living with cancer. I can't work because of my surgery but just the thought of doing something that demanding and with the deadlines it involves is just completely beyond me right now. I look forward to getting through all the treatments and resuming daily living. I will be forever altered by this experience and I will insist on becoming a more positive person as a result, always looking for the good in every situation and trying to learn the life lesson involved along the way. What's the saying about life handing you lemons? Well, I choose to add the salt and tequila!
For now, however, I will just continue to focus on breathing as that's all I can handle today. I will also be very thankful that my circle of friends has again expanded.
TeeTee, me, Shaunna and Michelle/Heather
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