I'm Sorry - Please Forgive Me - I Love You

I always thought if I stayed silent, the truth would come out.  I always thought those who love me most would find their way back to me in time, and especially now to help me through this challenge.  I always thought if I said I was sorry and promised that I'd do better, everything would be forgiven.  What I didn't count on was that the truth would be so unimportant, that those who love me could forsake me in my darkest hours, that sorry is meaningless and forgiveness impossible.  With every breath I take and every beat of my heart I will not give up.  I don't know how.

I try not to have regrets because to change even one small thing in my past would change everything and not necessarily for the better.  All of our past experiences are what makes us who we are.  We all try to make good choices and not hurt others, but we are all human, have flaws and make mistakes.  I have admitted all of mine to everyone and still it's not enough.  I don't know what will be enough and I'm not sure I'll see the day things are resolved.  That makes me saddest of all because I worry that that will only create regret for others and I don't want that for them.  It's a completely helpless feeling.

Seeing my daily heartache, others have stepped in with the best of intentions, often without my knowledge, to try to help but have been told they somehow actually made it worse.  No matter what I do, I can't seem to fix anything.  If I reach out, I'm told not to.  If I don't, I'm told I should have reached out harder.  No matter how much I hope, wish, pray and wait, nothing has changed for the better.  In fact, I think with time everything has gotten worse and more confusing for everyone.  So I hope everybody involved can please just dig deep, take a deep breath, see the big picture, that time may be running out and just move forward instead of dwelling on the past and not allow what they think they know to be so important.  It doesn't matter anymore.  They will think what they want and believe what they believe but I just wish they'd believe in me and remember all the good things I did for and with them.  I just wish they could move beyond the past before it's too late so we could share the future.  Having them near would mean so much to me and give me the hope, strength and reason I need to fight and to get better.  I need to know it matters to those who matter most to me.

I just wanted to know I tried everything but nothing gets resolved with silence, only through communication.  But if posting this makes things worse, I'm sorry, that was never my intention.  I just wanted to try again because I will never give up.  I don't know how.