I'll Get By With a Little Help From My Friends...

I have always been a Beatles fan and love listening to the CD my daughter made me for my van.   It brings back lovely memories.  During this hourly battle for my life, this song comes to mind.  I say hourly because every hour my symptoms, reactions and emotions change.

The first day was the roughest for sure.  Sitting in a hospital chair watching three bags of chemicals empty in your otherwise drug-free body was horrifying.  That night, TeeTee stayed over with me, as I was scared to be left alone.  We were trying to decide if those first hours' worth of side effects were as a result of all the adrenaline and anxiety of the day or if these were truly side effects from the noxious fluids.  We won't know until the second round, I suppose.  My symptoms ranged from tingling and pounding in my head to one long wave of nausea.  I took every mandatory and optional pill as I was determined not to throw up.  The advice is to do that and I figured this was not a time to disprove any doctors' theories.  Just swallowing the pills made me gag.  I was afraid to move or talk or breathe.  TeeTee made me soup and I tried a few teaspoons of that.  I came very close to vomiting once but then the pills kicked in right at that moment and I felt somewhat better for about an hour.  I didn't sleep well at all, wishing things, all things, could be different.

Upon waking, I opened my eyes and couldn't believe I was alive and not feeling too badly.  I couldn't hear TeeTee awake so I lay there, still in my thoughts, and assessing each body part.  Nothing had fallen off overnight.  I think I expected there'd be an arm or leg next to me in the bed or something.  When I got up, TeeTee and I had my usual breakfast of yogurt, banana, granola and cranberries.  I had a few sips of coffee but haven't been able to stomach that since.  Lori came by with watermelon, which is now the best fruit on the planet, ginger ale and crackers.  This was my diet for the day.  When my girls were sick, it was ginger ale and crackers so I figured this might work for me if the nausea returned, which it did.  The day went fairly well, TeeTee left in the afternoon and Tracey came by on her way home from work, just in case I was scared again.  Again, I took all the recommended meds and played hero to no one.

Day three, I felt horrible again.  I forced myself to have a shower.  My sense of smell is heightened like never before.  Not even when I was pregnant was it this sensitive to everything.  I just figured if I had a shower at least I wouldn't offend visitors.  Today wasn't as bad as the first night - nothing has been that bad - but horrible nonetheless.  Pounding, tingling head, nausea and aching all over, head-to-toe, front-to-back.  Lori and Sharon came by for a brief visit and Sharon brought each of us cancer survivors (of course I'm "pending") bracelets to cheer us up. 

Days four and five were very similar to day three.  Tracey came over and spent the day cleaning my place and she changed my sheets.  That felt good for sure. 

Day six, the fog lifted, the nausea subsided completely and I actually felt up to watching the Lions win the west and the Canucks beat the east.  I managed a full meal and a shower. 

Sleeping is definitely an issue.  I was so tired one night I thought I was going to die from exhaustion.  The simplest things are complex.  Typing this blog used to come very naturally but now it's a struggle.  Reading emails, let alone responding to them, is difficult.  I have so many people checking in on me daily to make sure I'm okay I felt I wanted to get this blog out.

If there were one thing I'd change about the Beatles song, it would be the world "little" because it's taking a lot of help from my friends - but they are all there.  In my darkest moments, I can see them standing in front of me cheering me to victory.  I can see them walking beside me every step of the way.  But most importantly, I can feel them pushing me from behind when I so desperately just want to stop trying, when there seems no point to all of this.  They make me realize that no matter what else is happening in my life, I have to fight for a happier tomorrow, that things will get better and somehow that makes me keep going.  So that's what I will do.