Walking - or Preferably Running - Through the Fire

It goes without saying that my friends are the best a girl could ever ask for.  All of you lift me up, push me to keep going and keep my spirits bright.

My latest tumour called a schwannoma, which is benign, thank goodness, presents challenges I didn't think I'd ever have to face.  After meeting with Dr. Bristol, my sixth surgeon, it reminded me of meeting with Dr. Creedon, who performed my mastectomy in 2011.  When Dr. Creedon uttered the words "triple negative breast cancer" and explained how horrible that was, I went blank for a minute or two, the room went white and everything just paused.  TeeTee took a deep breath, sat back in her chair so I wouldn't see her pale face and teary eyes and rubbed my back.  Well, it was a similar feeling when Dr. Bristol said, "You have to be prepared for the possibility you may never run again."  I cried, Susie sighed heavily and rubbed my back.

Dr. Bristol went on to discuss the options.  If I leave the tumour in, it will continue to cause me 24-hour-a-day pain, the tumour will grow and some day could rupture the sciatic nerve which is the worst thing, as repair would be impossible.  The only way to be sure if it's a good idea to have the surgery is to have the surgery.  He will do his best to not have to "sacrifice anything important" so I don't end up with drop foot and a variety of other mobility impairment issues.  But until he goes in, he can't say for sure.  Susie reminded me I've not complained much throughout all my medical problems but this pain I mention frequently.  So after lengthy discussion with the surgeon, it was decided we will go ahead with the procedure.  I'm on a cancellation list but the soonest the surgery will happen without a cancellation is about March.  He then went on to suggest that since I want to run my first half-marathon and since running can't injure my leg further, grow the tumour or rupture the nerve, that perhaps I'd like to wait for the surgery until after the run so in the event I can never run again after the surgery, I will at least have attained that milestone I've worked towards.

He then dropped a bombshell.  He has to give me all the possibilities, of course, I get that, but he actually said it's happened before, only once in his career, that although the biopsy showed the tumour to be benign, sometimes once they surgically remove and actually send the tumour for biopsy, it comes back malignant.  This would require removal of the entire nerve and would be, well, unthinkable.  So we just won't go there and hope that the original diagnosis is correct.

I have been very upset by this latest news, saying things like, "While I don't need my breasts anymore, I kind of need my legs."  I've thought about all this information over the weekend and have decided to get the surgery done as soon as possible.  Leanne said she'll push me in a wheelchair in the half-marathon, if necessary, or we will just set our sights on the Fall Classic once I'm healed and re-trained.  So damn it all, I'm going to forge ahead and get 'er done.  My leg has been quite tender from the needle biopsy and was aggravated by Dr. Bristol's tapping on the tumour on Friday but I have decided to ignore that and get my runners on!  Leanne and I are running tomorrow morning whether my leg likes it or not.  I'm not sure how far we'll get but it will feel so good to try.

 
Most people say "one day at a time" but I'm changing that to literally "one step at a time" for as long as these legs will carry me.

Reality Check...Mixed with Some Girl Time

Talk about returning to reality.  I had three messages: one from the hospital setting an MRI, one from the surgeon's office arranging an appointment, one from my oncologist's office to do a once-over, one appointment per day for the first three days back.

I went to VGH for the MRI and early the next morning went to see the surgeon, Dr. Clarkson, who is the only one in all of B.C. who deals with "cancers of the knee", a pretty specific area.  After meeting with the surgeon, it was determined I would need a needle biopsy and he would schedule it for as soon as possible.  He said once it's determined to be benign or malignant (choke), they will know which surgeon to send me to so it can be removed.  My oncologist suggested that the good breast should come off sooner rather than later so about a month after my knee surgery, I'll deal with the mastectomy.

Susie and I went to Seattle overnight to send Carrisa on an early-morning flight to see Tyler, which created an opportunity for some fun. After seeing Carrisa off at the airport, Susie and I shopped our way north, stopping for lunch and dinner on the way.  It was a long day filled with so much fun!

Susie stayed the night and took me to the needle biopsy at VGH and it was the single most painful thing I've endured to date.  I screamed and cried and when they said they needed another sample, I screamed and cried some more.  I thought I was going to pass out from the pain but I hung on.  Once it was over, my lower leg was completely numb and I was so dizzy from the drugs that I had to be pushed in a wheelchair to the car.  I came home, ate a White Spot Triple-O and milkshake, which is what I was craving.  Susie told me this is because I'm a true Canadian girl!  With a full tummy, I passed out and slept for a few hours.  I apologize to any of you I may have telephoned while stoned - no memory whatsoever so I hope it was coherent or at least good for a laugh.  It was a rough night but I am taking it easy this weekend.  In about a week's time, I should get the biopsy results (please be benign) and then the appropriate surgery will be scheduled as soon as possible.

Cruising Along...

My parents and I flew to San Francisco and picked up my wonderful Aunt Jeanne and hilarious cousin, Sharon.  This was a birthday gift for me and was my first cruise.  We boarded the Grand Princess and sailed down the Cali coast into Mexico and back.  It was a trip to remember: the laughs, the love and the antics will be with me forever.

Back Row:  Sharon (my beautiful cousin), me, Dad
Front Row:  Mom, Aunt Jeanne (Dad's sweet sister)

Turkey Trot

After some more training, I noticed my right knee was sore and figured I'd stretched my IT band from overuse.  With three days before my first 10K in over two years, I was determined to rehab my knee well enough to get through the Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving Monday.  I used Voltaren and started taking glucosamine for joints.  With the weight loss (45 pounds) and turning on my after-burners, I knew this was the problem.

 

In the Turkey Trot, I ran the first 3K and all the uphill was great but when I got to the top of the Burrard Street Bridge and starting the descent, my knee had other plans.  Yup, IT band for sure.  I walked and limped the final 7K but was again proud when I hit the finish line.  Leanne came back for me and we crossed together but Carrisa was limping as well, as this was her first ever 10K run.

A New Tumour? Uh-oh.

Sure it was a Baker's cyst, I reported the lump on the back of my knee to my GP and he sent me for an ultrasound.  Talk about déjà vu.  The technician indicated she would bring in the radiologist and I told her, "I'm outta here.  The last time that happened it was to tell me I had a tumour and it was malignant."  She said, "Don't worry.  I'll be right back."  I started to cry.  I didn't cry the first time, as I knew in my heart it was cancer, but this really upset me.  The radiologist had a look at the screen and said, "I'm so sorry but it is a tumour."  I choked back my anguish and said, "That's a word I never wanted to hear again."  She assured me she's almost positive it's benign by the look and shape but the size is a worry, as it's 2.5 centimetres already.  She showed me the image and indicated it's inside the sciatic nerve itself and that's why I'm feeling it in my hamstring.  I left and went to my parents' place and bawled.  I really lost it.  I guess it was time.

 

I was contacted by a specialist the next day who said he really thinks it's benign and is called a schwannoma.  These are benign 99% of the time.  I told him my luck hasn't been so great with diagnoses in the past so I hope I'm not that 1%.  My biggest concern isn't so much that it's cancer because I truly don't believe it is, rather that my mobility may be impaired by surgery.  I will have to be cut through the leg and through the nerve to have the tumour removed in its entirety.

 

I don't need my breasts anymore, although I was quite fond of them, but I sure need my legs.  I was assured I couldn't injure my leg or nerve nor spread the tumour so I continued with my running.

Taking Back My Health and Love of Running!

I have been busy losing the "chemo weight" and exercising.  My eyes were always on the prize of running my first half-marathon, something I had planned to do just two months post-diagnosis.  Of course, everything came to a screeching halt for two-plus years.  I love running and my sweet friend, Leanne, has been my coach.

 

Once I was able to run more than a block or two, we entered into the Terry Fox Run with her daughter, Carrisa.  The day before the run I noticed a lump in the back of my left knee but it didn't hurt so I ran the 5K (well, walked as much as ran) and was very overwhelmed at the end of the run with mixed feelings of accomplishment, my girls, of what Terry Fox has done, of Connor, Angie and Judy, all who were taken too soon, my Gram, my friends battling, just everything.

 

That was so much fun, the three of us then went on to do the 5K obstacle course/run called Woman2Warrior and dressed in pink tutus, headbands and fairy wings.  This was for Easter Seals to send disabled children to camp.  Great cause and a blast of an event!

Mutated Gene

Just when you think you're done...the beast of a disease called cancer has other plans.

 

I am thankful to continue to be cancer-free some two years from first detecting the tumour in my breast.  I was offered to go into the Hereditary Program and it turns out I do carry a mutated BRCA2 gene.  I thought this sounded really technical but the BR stands for "breast" and the CA stands for "cancer".  Angelina Jolie has a mutated BRCA1 gene and we all know she was proactive and had a double mastectomy.  It is suspected my darling Gram, who lived to be 90, actually had ovarian cancer at the end of her life, although it wasn't emphatically mentioned in her medical records.  As a result of the mutation, I have had a bilateral oophorectomy, which means I've had my ovaries and fallopian tubes removed.  They were biopsied and found to be cancer-free.  My uterus was removed in 2007 so that was already gone.  As a bonus, my surgeon indicated I could look forward to a Fu Manchu, a lovely moustache and beard combo.  Bring on the laser, I say!

 

The toughest part of finding out about the mutated gene is that each of my two beautiful daughters (27 and 19) have a 50/50 chance of carrying either a healthy gene or the mutated one.  This doesn't diminish with the following generations so I pray neither carry the gene and it ends with me.  Like any mother, I would give my life to keep them both safe from this disease.  My mother has recently tested positive so she has to face the same "lower bits" surgery soon.  Due to her age, she has opted to monitor her breasts bi-annually.  Thankfully, my female cousins on my mother's side tested negative - such a relief.

 

Going forward, I will have my right breast removed.  Although I don't relish the thought of another mastectomy, I'm hopeful this will go much smoother, as there's not a tumour to worry about, no chemotherapy and no radiation.  My thought is that I will have both the removing surgeon and the implanting surgeon in the operating room at the same time so they can remove both (my "bag" needs adjusting anyway) and just implant both sides at the same time.  I'm thinking smaller than Dolly Parton but larger than Kate Hudson.  I will no longer have any sensation and won't be able to use the line, "I have one stiff nipple," when it's chilly outside but they will at least match.  I will think up something as tattoos later.  I was going to go with the maple leaf on one and a beaver on the other (oh, the jokes) but may rethink both.  Suggestions?