Nine Weeks Down, Nine Weeks To Go

Deep breath as I head into the second round of chemotherapy tomorrow.  I am done my "F-E-C" drugs and am heading into one called Docetaxel.  It's a more powerful chemical with side effects ranging from loss of eyebrows and lashes, fingernails and toenails (disgusting), to nerve and muscle pain.  There is a slight chance for nausea but I'm talking myself out of that for sure.  Then there's the ice gloves that I'll be using to try and save my fingernails.  Apparently they're quite painful as they're so cold but I'll do my best.  The next day I will have injected into my stomach a drug called Neupogen to try and avoid fever and infection.  You see, my body will actually try to kill itself and there is a real risk to end up in hospital with a blood infection called sepsis, which can be fatal.  These injections will be administered every second day for ten days in each of the three rounds for a total of 15 injections.  As I am such a needle phobe, I have made arrangements for a friend who is a nurse to give me these injections.  I definitely won't be watching!  My good friend, Lori, is going to learn how to give them to me as a back-up.  How do you actually pay someone back for that?

Today I went for blood work and my counts were low so I have to be re-checked early in the morning before chemo to make sure my system can take the full dosage.  Then I saw the oncologist who asked how the last round went and reminded me of the possible horrors of the next round.  I told him I vomited, had about a week's worth of diarrhea and other messy things.  He is amazingly honest and straightforward which is what I wanted.  TeeTee went with me and we decided it was a Happy Dance Day, as the ultrasound I had last week shows no signs of spread to my liver (she was right - apparently the two spots were just fruit flies), pancreas, stomach, spleen and kidneys.  As there was never an indication of spread in my lymph system, this is all good news.  He sent a requisition today to a radiation oncologist for a consult to discuss with me the possibility of radiating my chest wall behind the site of my mastectomy.  Apparently there are risks for other health complications so I will have to weigh the pros and cons when the time comes.

The Docetaxel does damage to the heart muscle but I decided to continue with the chemotherapy and hope to prevent spread of the breast cancer in the future.  Therefore, the dilemma becomes which would I rather endure - the possibility that cancer will re-occur or possibly die of a heart ailment brought on by the very drug that is supposed to save my life?  Since I only have one shot at chemotherapy in my lifetime due to the toxicity of the chemicals, I decided to go ahead and see it through.  If there's spread in the future, maybe there will be something further the scientists will come up with in the meantime.  If not, it'll just be a matter of time.  If I don't go ahead with it, the chance of spread is doubled, from 24.5% to 49.5%.  So I'll go with the approximately 75% chance it won't spread and will resume workouts to strengthen my heart muscle through exercise and just try not to think about all this freaky stuff once I'm done my chemo.

I am now looking to life after cancer treatments, as opposed to the endlessly long road ahead I was staring at nine weeks ago.  After tomorrow, I'll have only two treatments left and will truly rejoice when it's over.  If I go through radiation, of course, I won't be back to working out for a while longer but that's okay.  Since I type for a living, due to my loss of concentration, the left arm damage left by the lymph node extraction and possibility of damage to the nerves in the ends of my fingers from the Docetaxel, my oncologist basically said I may be able to consider a return to work in August or September.  My goal is to get my physical self back into shape over the summer so I'm really ready to be back into feeling stronger before working.  Then I'll only have to concentrate on concentrating and hopefully all the side effects will have worn off completely.

Of course, I'd way rather spend the summer in Italy, as dreamed of for years.  That's not up to me, however, but I would welcome the opportunity with open arms and a happy, albeit somewhat diminished, heart!  I can dream, right?  In the words of Justin Bieber, "Never Say Never - I Will Fight Till Forever".

So all my dear friends, here we go again.  I have TeeTee taking me tomorrow, Tracey coming by after work with supplies and Ethel sleeping over.  Then the needle teach class with Lori on Wednesday and so on.  You are all amazing to be at my side this entire time.  Without doubt, you all are playing a hand in saving my life...in so many ways.  I love you all more than words can ever express.